Jedi Nites: Adventures of the Lite Side
by Mister Frodo
Summary: The adventure begins as the Jedi Council must deal with the greatest threat to the galaxy: Themselves! What ensues are lame soap operas, coffee jokes, and a whole lot of disclaimers...
1. Shaak Ti vs Anakin: The Great Catfight

_Disclaimer: I do not own the following disclaimer._

_Disclaimer: I don't own pretty much any of the stuff I use in this story._

"You are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master."

Anakin shrugged. "Okay. I'm cool with that." He took a seat next to Shaak Ti and smiled at her. "Hey, baby."

She stared at him. "Call me that again and you won't live to see Episode IV."

"Oh, come on, baby, I'm just tryin' to be polite." He put his hands behind his head. "So, you see, baby, me and Padme, well, we kinda get off on the wrong foot in this Episode, so to speak. Basically, I choke her. So, I don't know, I was wonderin' if maybe you and me could hit it off together. What do ya say, baby?"

Shaak slapped him. _Hard_. "Get anywhere within a million miles of me, pervert, and I'll kill you."

Anakin rubbed the red spot on his cheek. "You monkey-lizard! That hurt!"

Obi-Wan grinned. "Oh, cat fight." He took out a box of popcorn and stuffed himself as he watched the two Jedi slap each other. Then he turned to Mace. "You were saying, Mace?"

Mace brushed off the popcorn Obi-Wan had just spit on him. "If you don't remember what I was saying, then why would you listen to it the second time?"

"Hmmm…" Obi-Wan put a hand to his chin. "I guess I should make some dumb, witty joke right now, huh?"

Mace sighed. "This is pointless."

Ki-Adi-Mundi bounced up and down in his chair. "Oh, oh, I know what you said, Mace!"

"What, Mundi?"

"Something about fried potatoes and Ireland!"

"My apologies, but you're an idiot." Mace faced the rest of the Council. "I was actually discussing our problem with General Grievous. He escaped yet again from Obi-Wan earlier today."

Obi-Wan averted his attention from Anakin getting his butt kicked in the catfight to address Mace. "Well, Master Windu, I was going to catch him, but I had been standing in that Starbucks line _all day_ and I didn't want to lose my place, so, you know…"

"The point is, Obi-Wan, that we have the droid general on the loose. I suggest we take action." Mace looked at Yoda. "Master Yoda, what are your thoughts?"

Yoda glanced up above his Xbox controller. "Interrupt me, you should not, for playing myself, I am." He moved his gaze back to the giant TV sitting in the middle of the Council chamber. "That clone's butt, I shall kick."

"Master Yoda, I suggest you pull your attention from that video game so we can address the situation of the war."

Obi-Wan watched Yoda plow through clones on the TV screen. "Wow. So you're playing the Episode III Video Game?"

"Correct, you are. Play, I do, so unlock my character in Versus, I will."

"But you don't get Yoda in Versus. You just get Darth Vader and an older version of me."

"WHAT!" Yoda took out his lightsaber and sliced the TV in half. "Cheat me, Lucasarts will not!"

He dashed off. Mace shook his head. "Could this get any worse?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "It can. Shaak Ti could break Anakin's nose."

Just at the moment, almost on cue, Shaak Ti punched Anakin in the face. A sickening crunch rewarded her strike. Anakin clutched his nose, glaring at the female Jedi. "I hate you!"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Anakin, you say that line to me at the _end_ of this movie. Sheesh, I already have to change your diaper, and now I have to tell you what lines to say?"

"I told you not to tell anyone about that!"

Anakin chased Obi-Wan from the room. Mace stared at the now nearly-empty Council, with only himself, Shaak Ti, Mundi, and Adi Gallia still in the room. "Wait a minute. There's way more people on this Council in the movie! And Shaak Ti, you die before Episode III!"

"Well, the author couldn't think of any other Jedi names except for us." Adi leaned back. "Besides, all the other guys stink."

"Fine, fine." Mace stood. "I'm going to go find where Yoda went off to. But, remember, we _must_ make finding Grievous our highest priority. With the death of Count Dooku—"

"But, Master Windu, who said I was dead?"

_Wow! Cliffhanger! I bet you ten bucks I know who said that last line. Just kidding. Anyway, this is my first chapter, so please review if you like it, or even if you didn't like it. Just please REVIEW. _

_I hope nobody (a.k.a. Obidala) believes I'm just taking their idea. I apologize to all the people out there who are angered by this story and/or want to assassinate me. You'll just have to wait a little bit longer._

_Bye! _


	2. Adi vs Dooku: The Great Duel

_Disclaimer: I don't own _Monty Python_, and even if I did, I'd probably sell the company on eBay for ten bucks._

Mace whipped out his lightsaber. "Count Dooku! It is time to duel!"

The Sith Lord chuckled. "Master Windu, if I wanted to be involved in one of your boring lightsaber duels I would simply ask." He shook his head. "That's not why I'm here, though. I am here to help."

Mace sniffed. "My lightsaber duels aren't boring."

Shaak Ti jumped to her feet, along with the other two Council members. "You're really here to help?"

"Of course not. I'm here to get more than five lines in Episode III." He ignited his lightsaber. "And to kill you all."

Adi, being an awesome Jedi, did several unnecessary back flips, much to the awe of the other two Jedi watching here. (Mace sat on the ground, crying about Dooku's lightsaber duel remark.) Then she engaged Dooku in a duel. Of course, considering an 82-year-old actor was playing Dooku, it wasn't very hard.

She chopped Dooku's left arm off. He swung his lightsaber with his still-attached arm. "Have at ye!"

"You fool, your arm's off!"

"No it's not!"

"Then what's that on the ground!"

He glanced down. "I've had worse."

"You lie!"

"No, really." He pulled out a portable DVD player. "Anakin cut my hands off earlier. Wanna watch?" He surveyed the room. "Is there an electrical outlet in here?"

Adi shook her head. "Sorry, Yoda fried the only one we had, and the electrical guys aren't coming until Friday."

"Oh. Too bad." The one-armed Dooku attacked Adi again. She cut off his other arm. He sighed. "Great. First my hands get chopped off, and then I lose my arms. Almost like the author and George Lucas hate me or something…"

Adi furrowed her brow. "But if you lost your hands earlier, how did you get them back now?"

"Ah, my friend, _that_ is the magic of CGI."

"But the Star Wars films using CGI, a.k.a. Episode I, II, and III, stunk. At least when you compare them to the originals."

"Well, obviously." He sighed. "Okay, I'm off to put on a wig and have long, girly fingernails so I can act in Lord of the Rings. So long, everybody." He left.

Adi put her weapon away. "This party's over."

"NO!" Mace sobbed in anguish. "First he makes fun of my duels, and then you steal my lines! What's next, someone will replace Samuel L. Jackson as the coolest actor!"

Ki-Adi-Mundi scrunched his brow. "Who's Samuel L. Jackson?"

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" Lucasarts employees ran through the room and jumped out the window. "HE'S COMING!"

Yoda entered after them, shaking his lightsaber at their fleeing backs. "Right, you are, to run from Yoda! An awesome fighter, I am."

Adi looked at him. "I guess your visit to Lucasarts went well, huh?"

"Correct, your guess is." He got back in his chair. "Now focus their attention, they will, on Lego Star Wars 2."

She nodded. "Sweet."

He realized that the Council window was broken, half the seats were empty, and a busted DVD player sat on the floor in between two severed arms and the destroyed big screen TV. "Missed much, I have, hm?"

Mace crawled to the Jedi Master, still crying. "Master Yoda, Count Dooku came and he made fun of my duels!"

"'Duels'? Participate in only one duel, you do."

Adi rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah. The most boring duel ever."

"NOT YOU TOO!" Mace leaped to the window. "If you don't start appreciating my duels, I'll jump out this window, just like I do when Palpatine is shocking me!"

Yoda shrugged. "Fine with me, that is."

Mace bowed his head. "I'm too afraid to do that, Master Yoda."

Shaak Ti rolled her eyes. "This is pointless. I'm going to go find Obi-Wan and Anakin."

Ki-Adi-Mundi giggled. "Because you _like_ Anakin?"

"No, because I want to break another one of his bones." She jogged out of the room.

Yoda surveyed the room. "Only four, there are now."

"Yeah." Adi shrugged. "Not that this hasn't been fun, but Starbucks is open, and I haven't had my morning caffeine rush, er, coffee, so if you'll excuse me…" She exited the chamber as well.

Ki-Adi-Mundi nodded. "I have to go and convince Shaak Ti to date me. Bye."

Yoda stared at the only occupant left in the room besides him: Mace. "Cry, you should not, young Mace."

The Jedi Master wiped the tears from his face. "You're right, Master Yoda. Watching soap operas is a much better option!"

Yoda now found himself the room's only inhabitant. He brightened up. "Serviceable, the Xbox is. Play Halo 2, I will."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

Yoda gasped. "No way! You, it cannot be!"

"But it is me! And I've come back to destroy you!"

_Wow! Another cliffhanger! Incredible! Who is the mysterious voice? Will Yoda be able to escape? And will the rest of the Council ever come back into session? Find out next time on _Jedi Nites

_Wait a minute...no reviews! Does nobody think this thing's funny! Or think its unfunny! PLEASE REVIEW THIS CHAPTER, EVEN IF YOU THINK THIS STORY STINKS. I need advice if I'm going to help you enjoy the story. If you want to enjoy the story, not saying that you have to._


	3. Yoda vs Evil: The Great Bore

_Disclaimer: I do not own Starbucks or lame soap operas. I guess you can't have everything in life. _

"Have at ye!"

Yoda stared at the newcomer. "An idiot, you are. Already ripped off Monty Python, we have."

"Oh. Sorry. What were we doing?"

"Identifying you, I was."

"Oh. Go right ahead then."

Yoda drew his lightsaber. "Qui-Gon Jinn!"

"Yes, it's me!" Qui-Gon gave an evil laugh. "Except this time I'm EVIL!"

"Caps Lock 'evil', you did."

"Yeah, it makes me feel better." He grinned. "And now you shall fall to your doom."

Yoda then realized that Qui-Gon wore dark robes, had a red lightsaber, and his hair actually looked like a guy. "Cut your hair, you have."

"Duh. You think I'd still want to look like a girl once I joined the Dark Side?"

"Right, you are."

Qui-Gon ignited his red lightsaber. "It is time to finish this! I will do it and defeat you, by myself!"

"Just one man, you are?"

"And now we're five."

"Five?" Yoda furrowed his brow. "Have the ability to count, you do not."

"Yeah, I flunked out of college. And high school. And middle school. And kindergarten, for Pete's sake."

"Speak of a Pete you do. Know of this Pete, you do?"

"It's just an expression, you green midget." The now-evil Qui-Gon laughed his evil laugh. "It's time to fight, Yoda! And unlike the two other Sith that fight you, I will not lose!"

"My weakness, you know. Push me down twenty feet, you will, and give up, I shall."

"Of course!" Qui-Gon started doing unnecessary flips all over the room. Yoda sighed as his opponent kept doing things just to look cool. Finally Yoda left, leaving Qui-Gon to an empty Council room.

Qui-Gon glanced around. "Wait just a minute…The room's empty! I must have scared Yoda so much he ran like the coward he is! Yay me!"

_Meanwhile, at a nearby Starbucks… _

Obi-Wan wiped up the last blood from Anakin's face. "I told you, never hit on a girl Jedi, or she'll break your nose."

"No, you said not to hit on a girl Jedi, or she'll kick the sh—"

"Now, now, Anakin." Obi-Wan put a finger to Anakin's lips. "We want the children to be able to read this."

"Oh, right. You said not to hit on a girl Jedi, or she'll kick the, um, _stuffing_ out of me."

"Good." He put a bandage on Anakin's nose. "There, all better. Are you feeling all right?"

Ki-Adi-Mundi sighed as he watched the two Jedi. Then he turned to Adi. "Aren't they the perfect couple?"

Adi rolled her eyes. "Oh, go jump of a cliff."

Mace sat in a chair, nursing a 128-ounce latte, while also channel-surfing on the big screen TV. "Too bad Yoda destroyed the TV we had in the Temple, or I would have been able to watch my soaps there. Thanks for nothing, Yoda!"

Adi furrowed her brow. "Have you noticed how Mace was the serious guy in the first chapter, but now he's a big crybaby who watches soap operas?"

Ki-Adi-Whatever shook his head. "No, not really."

"Well, duh, you won't. You're an idiot in all the chapters."

Mace stared at the TV screen. "There! I finally have my favorite soap on!" His mouth hung open. "What? Bernice, you can't marry him! He's really your evil, cloned half-brother!"

Anakin looked over at Mace. "What's he crying about now?"

"Oh, some dumb soap opera." Obi-Wan hefted a gigantic cup of coffee and drained it in one gulp. "Apparently, some girl named Bernice is going to marry some guy who's really her evil, cloned half-brother."

"What!" Anakin leaped over to a chair near the TV. "Bernice, no!"

Obi-Wan bowed his head. "Why do I even bother?"

Yoda burst through the door. "Come quickly, you must! Taken over the Council room, Qui-Gon has!"

"Cool! Avocados!"

Yoda tilted his head to the side. "Some new idiot code, this 'avocado' is?"

"Oh, never mind." Adi hurried out the door, followed by Ki-Adi-something-or-other and Obi-Wan. "We'll meet you at the Council room, Master Yoda!"

"To the Council room, I must go." Yoda looked at Mace and Anakin. "A TV show, you are watching. Dramatic, it is?"

"Yoda, you won't believe it." Mace took out a handkerchief and blew his nose. "Bernice just married her evil, cloned half-brother!"

"WHAT THE HECK!" Yoda sat down, transfixed by the TV. "Wait, the Council room will. More important matters, I have."

_Hey, it didn't end with an unidentified person saying a line! Incredible! I didn't think this chapter was a funny as the last two, but still, I'll try to make the next one better. Will Qui-Gon be defeated? Will Bernice marry her cloned half-brother? And why do I keep using Starbucks in my story? Find out, on the next _Jedi Nites.


	4. Jar Jar vs Qui Gon: The Great Leap

_Disclaimer: I do not own Jar Jar Binks. Thank God._

"Holy hand grenades, Obi-Wan!" Ki-Adi-Mundi surveyed the dismantled Council chamber. "This whole thing's been destroyed!"

"Yes, it has." Obi-Wan knelt by a chair sliced in half. "Who could have done this?"

"Me."

The two of them wheeled around to see Qui-Gon standing in the doorway. Obi-Wan rushed up to Qui-Gon and gave him a giant bear hug. "Qui-Gon! I missed you so much!"

Qui-Gon pulled away. "Get off me, you mullet-wearing freak!"

Obi-Wan chuckled. "'Mullet-wearing freak'? Look who's talking, girly man."

"Bearded lady!"

"Avocado!"

Qui-Gon gasped. "Take that back!"

"Never!"

"Fine!" Qui-Gon furrowed his brow. "Wait. There are only two of you. Where's Adi?"

"Right here."

He spun on his heel. Adi leapt at him from the hallway, lightsaber drawn. Qui-Gon blocked her attack and then kicked her.

She flipped back to the other two Jedi. Qui-Gon laughed his extremely evil laugh. "I will now kill you all! Nothing can stop me!"

"You're wrong, Qui-Gon!" Obi-Wan smiled. "We haven't unleashed our secret weapon yet!"

"No, you don't mean…it can't be…"

They all turned to the doorway. Jar Jar Binks strode in. "Yousa call, Obi?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Qui-Gon ran to the broken window and jumped out. "I CAN'T STAND IT!"

Jar Jar looked around. "Meesa miss something?"

"Good job, Jar Jar." Obi-Wan put an arm around the alien's shoulder. "Now, I was wondering, do you mind if we go outside for awhile?"

Jar Jar shrugged. "Okey-day, Obi-Wan."

The two left. Ki-Adi-Mundi sighed. "Poor Jar Jar. He never saw it coming."

A scream came from outside the room, and then Obi-Wan walked back in. "What's done is done. Do not speak of what has happened."

"Dude, who are you, Liam Neeson?" Adi shook her head. "This is just so dumb. Plus, this story's been getting a lot less funny. Hey, do you guys know where Shaak Ti is?"

Obi-Wan put a hand to his chin. "No…she wasn't at Starbucks, and considering that we all were supposed to meet there…"

"No we weren't."

"We weren't? Oh. Then I guess I had a huge caffeine rush for no reason."

"No duh." Adi shrugged. "Fine, if you idiots are done, I'm going to go find Shaak Ti, so, if you'll excuse me..."

A video screen slid out from the ceiling. Obi-Wan furrowed his brow. "Since when is there a video screen that slides out from our ceiling?"

Ki-Adi-Mundi rubbed his hands together. "I don't care, as long as this thing gets HBO and Showtime."

_"Silence!"_

They froze. A screen lit up, showing Chancellor Palpatine standing in his office. _"I have revealed myself as Darth Sidious!"_

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Big surprise."

_"What do you mean?"_

"Chancellor, we all knew you were Darth Sidious at the end of Episode II, and, when you add the Episode III trailer…"

_"Fine! Ruin the fun! But I now will control the entire galaxy! You will give me what I want!"_

Obi-Wan glared at the Chancellor. "Why would we ever give you anything?"

_"Because, I am holding Shaak Ti hostage!" _The view panned back to show Shaak Ti in chains. _"If you do not give me what I want, I will kill her!"_

"No!" Obi-Wan clenched his fist. "You fiend! You know I secretly love her!"

_"Well, yeah. I have your diary."_

"What are your terms, evil Sith?"

_"I want young Skywalker, so I can make him into Darth Vader and rule the galaxy!"_

"Anakin?" Obi-Wan shrugged. "Okay, if you're sure you want him…"

_"Good. Meet me at the Docking Platform by sundown, and bring Skywalker."_

"Okay." The screen slid back into the ceiling. Obi-Wan rubbed his hands together. "Awesome! I can trade Anakin for Shaak Ti, and be the hero for Shaak Ti, and then we'll get married, and have little mutant babies, and we'll live happily ever after! It's the perfect plan!"

Adi frowned. "But you have to give up Anakin."

"Like I said! The perfect plan!"

_Will the Jedi really give Anakin to the Chancellor Palpatine? Does Shaak Ti love Obi-Wan? And why do these chapters seem to be getting less funny? The answers to all these will (hopefully) be in the next installment of the incredible drama, _Jedi Nites

_And by incredible, I mean stupid._


	5. Face Off, Face On

_Disclaimer: Really. I don't own Starbucks. Stop asking._

Obi-Wan sighed. "I don't know. I think I'm having second thoughts about this."

Adi nodded. "Yeah. Are you sure you really want to give Anakin to the Chancellor?"

"No, not about that." He surveyed his speeder. "I meant I'm having second thoughts about this parking spot. If someone pulled in on the left, they'd scratch this baby's paint big time."

"Oh, good grief."

The three of them (Obi-Wan, Adi, and Ki-Adi-Mundi) stood on the Docking Platform. Obi-Wan studied the parking spot while Adi shook her head at his stupidity and Ki-Adi-Mundi played with his teddy bears.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Well, it's not going to get any better. Do you guys see Yoda and Anakin?"

"What about Mace?"

"Mace? Mace who?"

"Oh, forget it."

A Republic gunship appeared on the horizon. It landed on the platform. Yoda, Mace, and Anakin jumped out. Yoda nodded at the gunship's pilot. "My gratitude, you have."

"Your gratitude? I'd rather have your twelve bucks you owe me!"

"Insult Yoda, you will not!" The Jedi Master pushed the gunship off into the city using the Force. He then turned to Obi-Wan. "Call, you did?"

"Yes, Master Yoda. A grave matter is at hand." Obi-Wan knelt next to the little green warrior. "The Chancellor has taken Shaak Ti prisoner, and we must trade Anakin for her."

"Good riddens, I say."

"Really?"

"Yes. Dislike the moody pretty boy, I do." Yoda nodded at Anakin. "Trade him, you can."

"Oh yeah!" Obi-Wan pumped his fist. "No more changing diapers! No more reading bedtime stories! No more having to break up catfights! I'm free! FREE!"

Anakin walked up to them. "What are you yelling about, Obi-Wan?"

"Oh, you'll see, Anakin." Obi-Wan motioned to Mace and Ki-Adi-Dude. "Come on, you two, we have work to do."

Mace frowned. "But Mundi and I were playing with the teddy bears."

"You can play with your fluffy and slightly disturbing teddy bears later." Obi-Wan headed over to the other end of the platform. "Besides, those aren't even teddy bears. They're real life Ewoks."

"Uh-oh." Mace stared at the Ewok in his hands. "This is not going to end well."

Moral of the story: Don't play dress-up with Ewoks.

Lucky for Mace, he's a main character, so the Ewoks didn't kill him. Ki-Adi-Guy, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky.

Meanwhile, Yoda, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Adi, and a now-limping Mace reached the part of the platform where Chancellor Palpatine stood with Shaak Ti nearby in chains. Obi-Wan pointed at the Chancellor. "Chancellor, we've brought Anakin to you! Now release Shaak Ti so we can trade!"

Anakin's mouth fell open. "What? You're trading me?" Tears starting to well up in his eyes. "But, Obi-Wan, why?"

"Not right now, Anakin, mommy's very busy." Obi-Wan turned to the Chancellor. "Now, release Shaak Ti!"

"Not yet!" Palpatine gestured to Anakin. "Give him to me first."

"Okay." Obi-Wan patted Anakin on the head. "Anakin, you've been a good boy all this time, and now, you're going to get a new mommy to take care of you!"

"Really?" Anakin's eyes lit up. "You mean it?"

"Yep." Obi-Wan smiled. "That creepy, well-acted guy over there is your new mommy. So, just go over there, okay?"

"Okay, Obi-Wan." Anakin skipped over to the Chancellor.

Palpatine laughed. "Yes! Now I have unlimited power!"

"A deal's a deal, Chancellor! Or something like that." Obi-Wan nodded at Shaak Ti. "Give her to me!"

"Ah, I've thought about it long and hard, and now I shall give you two options, Obi-Wan!" The Chancellor held out a very large Starbucks cup. "You can either have Shaak Ti, or this giant, delicious latte!"

"You idiot. I love Shaak Ti. Why would I every trade her for the latte?"

"Because, Mace is the one who is making the decision!"

"WHAT! I'll never agree to that!"

"You will, because if Mace doesn't choose, I will keep Shaak Ti captive forever!"

Everybody turned to Mace. The Jedi stared at the latte, and then at Shaak Ti. "Hmmm…This is a tough decision before me."

"Mace, you have to pick Shaak Ti!" Obi-Wan threw himself at Mace's feet. "I can't live without her! Please, Mace, please!"

"Well…" Mace weighed the choices before him. _Latte or Shaak Ti. Latte or Shaak Ti. Latte or…um…latte!_

"Yes!" Mace snapped his fingers. "I have come to a decision!"

Everybody held their breath. Mace grinned. "I will choose—"

_Wow, another cliffhanger! How surprising! What will Mace choose? Will the Chancellor gain unlimited power? Why was this chapter so short? The answers next time on _Jedi Nites


	6. Door Number 3

_Caution: The following chapter is over 1000 words long. For those of you who read my other stories, this may seem really short, but if you just read this one, I apologize for any fires or explosions that may be caused by this chapter. Thank you. _

"I will choose what's behind door number three!"

"Congratulations!" The Chancellor pulled the curtain, revealing a picture of sprawling sands. "You've won an all expense paid vacation to Tatooine, birthplace of Anakin Skywalker! At least, we think…Anyway, you will now get to visit the burning sands, unbearable heat, wretched scum and villainy, and, of course, the lovable but highly lethal Sand People!"

"Wait just a minute!" Obi-Wan stared at Mace and Palpatine. "Why in the world did you choose what's behind door number three? And why is the Chancellor talking like a game show host?" He turned to the curtain. "And that's not even a door! It's a curtain!"

"Take that back!"

Shaak Ti shook her head. "Mace, if I ever get out of here, I swear, you will—"

"Have fun?"

"Eat enchiladas?"

"Go surfing?"

"Avocados!"

"Such language, Obi-Wan! Surprise me, you do."

She sighed. "Why do I bother?"

The Chancellor left, taking Anakin, Shaak Ti, and the giant latte. Mace shrugged. "So, how far away is this Tatooine place?"

"About seven million billion light years."

"Oh." He smiled. "So, you think if I start running now I can make it before Saturday? Because _Dumb Soap Opera Hour _is having an entirely new episode then. I wonder if they get cable or satellite at the hotel…"

Yoda scuttled over to Obi-Wan's speeder. "Go now, we must. Important matters, I have."

Obi-Wan hurried after him. "You mean like ending the war?"

"No. Halo 2 Clan match, I have. Late for it, I cannot be."

"Okay, hop in." Obi-Wan pushed the disposable Starbucks cups out of the back seat to make room. "With Ki-Adi-Mundi dead, we have room for one more."

"Forget Mace, you did."

"Mace?" Obi-Wan climbed into the driver's seat. "Mace who?"

Yoda nodded. "A good question, that is. Remember the identity of this Mace, I cannot."

The three (Obi-Wan, Adi, and Yoda) flew away in their speeder. Mace sat on the landing platform, contemplating the choices before him. "Let's see, I could have a huge sugar rush now and have that hold me off until I reach Tatooine, or I can just hope that they have a Starbucks on that desert planet." Mace shook his head. "Who am I kidding; Coruscant caffeine, here I come."

Adi looked back at Mace at the speeder glided through traffic. "Have you two noticed that ever since Count Dooku made fun of Mace he's started acting like a crybaby and an idiot?"

Obi-Wan glanced back. "Seriously. Who is this Mace guy?"

Adi rolled her eyes. "Somehow, I'm not surprised you asked that."

_Fifteen minutes later in the Council chamber…_

Yoda surveyed the broken room and sighed. "Fix this, we must."

Adi nodded. "You're right, Yoda."

"Yes. But first, pizza to eat, there is."

Obi-Wan's eyes lit up. "Goody!"

Adi walked out of the Council chamber, tired of all the other Jedi idiots. Yoda dug into pepperoni pizza, grinning. "The best, pepperoni pizza is."

Jar Jar popped up. "Meesa want pizza too!"

"Back! Back!" Yoda took his walking stick and beat Jar Jar with it. The Gungan ran from the room. Yoda threw his lightsaber after Jar Jar.

"Meesa spine!"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Nice throw, Yoda."

"Thank you, I do." Yoda finished his food with a sigh of contentment. "Good, this food is."

Obi-Wan sighed. "I just keep thinking something's missing."

"Refer to Anakin, do you?"

"Maybe…" He snapped his fingers. "Now I remember! Steak sauce!" He dumped a bottle of A1 on his pizza slice. "Much better."

_But, little do the two Jedi know, a meeting is taking place in Chancellor Palpatine's office…_

"The board is set. This is the deep breath before the plunge. Here we are, on the eve of the great battle of our time."

Shaak Ti furrowed her brow. "Who are you? Ian McKellen?"

"No. If I was Ian McKellen, I'd be kissing Anakin right now." Chancellor Palpatine cleared his throat. "Now, apparently, I was supposed to become all disfigured and deformed before I declared myself Emperor, but that has changed. Now I will set my plan into motion and still be somewhat handsome at the same time!"

The Chancellor sat at the head of a long table. Anakin, General Grievous, and Jango Fett filled the other seats, and Shaak Ti lay shackled to the wall nearby. The Chancellor surveyed his remaining minions. "Count Dooku and Qui-Gon Jinn have already been defeated by the Jedi. I trust you three will not make the same mistake."

Anakin raised his hand. "Um, Chancellor? Can I ask you a question?"

"Fine, Anakin. What is it?"

"Why am I working for you? I'm still loyal to the Jedi. I didn't even want to come with you."

"Ah, but I can give you the secret to save the one you love."

Anakin's eyes widened. "What did you say?"

"I can save Padme from certain death."

"Padme? I don't love her. Besides, she doesn't even appear in this story."

"Why not?"

"Because then we'd have a lot of jokes about the fact that Natalie Portman shaved her head."

"Oh. Right."

"There is only one thing I truly love. The Cheese Dog."

"The cheese dog?"

"No, it's capitalized. Like this: The Cheese Dog."

"How did you know I didn't capitalize it?"

"Trust me, Chancellor. I know these things."

General Grievous growled. "This is taking too long. Why can we not crush the Jedi fools now?"

"Because then the story would be over. We have to extend it so the author can start making it unfunny." The Chancellor stopped. "That came out wrong."

"Yeah, I think it did."

Palpatine turned to Anakin. "Okay, I will get you The Cheese Dog as long as you work for us, the forces of evil!"

Anakin shrugged. "Alright."

"Good. According to a plot device, The Cheese Dog is on Tatooine. Jango, I want you to go with Anakin to retrieve it."

Jango sighed. "Why do I always have to run the errands?"

"Because Mace Windu is heading to Tatooine on that vacation I gave him. You can meet up with him and get revenge for how he defeated you in Episode II."

Jango pumped his fist. "Excellent. Though it will be a little difficult to get around without my head."

"I know. That is why I'm sending one other companion with you."

Silence fell over the room, except for Grievous coughing because he smoked too many cigarettes. The lights dimmed.

"I present to you the ultimate pointless character: Wade the Battle Droid!"

A battle droid walked into the room. Everybody except Palpatine burst out laughing.

Wade shook his head. "Every time. Every stinking time, I get laughed at. I think someone should appreciate my incredible talents!"

"Maybe people would appreciate your talents more if you didn't talk in a squeaky voice." Anakin giggled. "But that's right. George Lucas wanted some more humor in Episode III so he changed the battle droids' voices. Ha hah ha hah!"

The Chancellor stood. "Enough! Anakin, Jango, and you too, Wade, will all leave at once!"

The three left. General Grievous stared at the Chancellor. "What will you have me do, sir?"

"Oh, I have a special assignment for you, Grievous. One that could change the outcome of the war." Palpatine grinned. "And once your task is completed, the Sith will rule the galaxy!"

_Oh no! Will Mace be able to stop Anakin, Jango, and Wade the Battle Droid? Will Yoda and Obi-Wan find out about The Cheese Dog? And what is this incredible task that Palpatine has for General Grievous? Hopefully all the answers will be in the next chapter of _Jedi Nites!

_P. S. Please Review!_


	7. Tatooine or Bust

_Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo. But, of course, after "Wii", who would want to? _

"Die, Yoda, die!"

Yoda chuckled. "Beat me at this game you will not, Obi-Wan, for mastered it, I have."

Obi-Wan sighed and dropped his Xbox controller. "What's the point? All we ever do is play Jedi Academy. I wish someone else was here, like Adi, or Mundi, or Mace…Heck, I'd be happy if Jar Jar showed up. Tells you how messed up I am right now."

"Agreed."

At that moment, Mace entered the Council chamber. Obi-Wan nodded at him. "Hey, Mace. Did you come to get your stuff for the trip?"

Mace stayed in the same spot. Obi-Wan furrowed his brow. "Mace? You all right, buddy?"

"Too…much…caffeine…" Mace collapsed on the ground. "I drank so many lattes that I got caffeine hangover…oh my spine."

"Your spine? How did you hurt your spine?"

"Um…maybe this conversation is better left for another time. And by the way, if some alien guy comes along wondering where his speeder is, I'm not here."

"Yes you are, you're lying on the ground and moaning in pain."

Yoda shook his head. "In trouble, you are, Mace."

"Thanks, Yoda. I didn't realize that."

"Use sarcasm, you should not."

"What's sarcasm?"

Just then Adi ran into the room. Yoda smiled. "An intelligent person to talk to, I finally have."

"Sorry, Master Yoda, but we're short on time." Adi pointed out the still-broken window. "I've learned that Chancellor Palpatine is sending Anakin and two other minions to Tatooine to get something. Apparently this item could complete Anakin's turn to the Dark Side. We must go quickly and stop them!"

"Okay." Obi-Wan turned to Mace. "Mace, how are you getting to Tatooine?"

"I don't really know. I was still lamenting my caffeine hangover."

Obi-Wan realized that Mace was still on the ground. "Oh. Right. Never mind, then."

Yoda shrugged. "Matter, this does not. A transport, I have. But a long time, the trip will take."

Obi-Wan nodded. "Yeah. I guess I better get something to do on the trip." He whipped out a Nintendo DS. "This oughta do it!"

Mace leaped behind Adi. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! What is that!"

"This?"

"It looks like a...a mutant Game Boy Advanced."

"No, man, this is a Nintendo DS. See, it has _two_ screens instead of one. Like they say, 'Two screens are better than one.' Smart thing by Nintendo. But just as I thought they had regained their sanity…" His voice dropped to a scared whisper. "Wii."

Mace covered his eyes. "No more! No more!"

Adi rolled her eyes. "Why did I even bother coming back?"

She and Yoda left to prepare the transport for launch. Mace eyed the DS. "Will that thing bite me?"

"No, it can't hurt you." Obi-Wan sighed. "Listen, Mace, I don't think you've fully recovered from when Count Dooku called your duels boring."

"MY DUELS AREN'T BORING!"

"Well, actually, you only do one, and it stinks."

"This from the guy who fights General Grievous for, what, ten seconds?"

"Okay, so that duel stunk too. But that doesn't excuse your behavior."

"Fine." Mace lowered his head. "I'll try to be better."

"Good boy." He patted Mace on the head. "You get another latte."

"Yay! Latte!"

_Will the four Jedi ever get to Tatooine? Will Mace suck it up and start acting like the way-too-macho-cool guy in the movies? And what did this chapter have to do with anything? All answers that will probably not be in the next chapter, but still, stay tuned for more _Jedi Nites

_P.S. I HATE COFFEE _

_P.P.S. I actually have people reviewing! Awesome! Maybe I'll start the whole answering the reviewers at the beginning of the story! Boy, that would be cool._


	8. Shipping and Handling

_Disclaimer: I don't own DirecTV, and if I did, I probably die from the shock that people actually buy satellite even though we all know cable is approximately million times better._

"Can we get something to eat? I'm starving."

Adi wheeled around to face Obi-Wan. "Listen, Obi-Wan, we have stopped to go to the bathroom, get a puppy, eat breakfast, go to the bathroom again, sell the puppy, eat lunch, clean Mace's pants, and then buy lattes at Starbucks. WE WILL NOT STOP ONE MORE TIME!"

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Okay. I was just asking."

"Argue you should not, for the answer, peace is."

Adi rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Yoda, it's obvious you really take that peace talk seriously, considering how you duel Count Dooku and Darth Sidious in violent and awesome fights."

"Different, that is."

"Yeah, different my foot."

They entered a large hangar. Several ships lined the space. Mace bobbed up and down. "Oh, do we get to fly one of the ships! I love the ships! They're so…so…shippy!"

"Yes, Mace, we get to fly one of the ships." Adi surveyed the hangar. "So, which one, Yoda?"

"Sanity, please, Adi."

"Sanity? What are you talking about?"  
"No idea, I have. Regardless, move on, we must." Yoda put a hand to his chin. "Let's see…Buy a transport, I did, but which one? Forgotten my ship, I have."

Obi-Wan sighed. "We're going to be here a long time, aren't we?"

"Wrong you are, Obi-Wan. Only a few moments this will take."

_Ten hours later…_

"Got any threes?"

"Nope. Go fish."

Obi-Wan shook his head. "This is taking forever. I had no idea 'a few moments' was this long."

Mace nodded. "Yeah. I wish we still had that puppy."

"Why? To play with?"

"No. I'm hungry."

"Okay." Obi-Wan scooted back. "Mace, why don't you go play over there? _Way_ over there?"

"Alright."

Adi turned to Yoda. "Yoda, we've searched this hangar twenty times. Are you sure you can't find your ship?"  
"Yes, Adi." Yoda sighed. "Puzzled, I am. Sure that my ship was here, I was."

"Well, we could search again, if you want to."

"An idiotic idea that is, Adi, for already search this hangar, we have."

"Oh. Then why didn't you say that after the first time!"  
Obi-Wan ran up to them. "Guys, we've got a problem. I drank all of my jumbo 1000 oz. latte, and, well, this place doesn't have a bathroom. Do you still have those wipes you used for Mace?"

"Obi-Wan, you're gross. Completely gross."

Yoda snapped his fingers. "Now remember, I do! Leave the ship in another hangar, I did."

Adi drew her lightsaber. "That's it! I'm going to kill you all!"

Obi-Wan rolled in between Adi and Yoda. "Adi, no! Please, spare the children!"

"Nine hundred years old am I, Obi-Wan. A child, I am not. If get off me you do not, singed with my lightsaber, your behind will be!"

Obi-Wan began singing, off-key, of course. "Hush little baby don't you cry, Mommy's gonna buy you an Ewok toy."

**_Slash!_**

****"OW! Yoda, it's still wet down there!"

_We leave these crazy Jedi to bring you the tale of a boy, a droid, and a guy who had his head cut off…_

Wade the Battle Droid (applause, please) ran through the pre-launch check-up. "Okay, Jango, check the stuff for me. Let's see…Do we have the fuel?"  
"Wade the Battle Droid—" Applause filled the room. Jango sighed. "Never mind. Droid guy, how can I check this stuff off if I have no head? I can't see anything! Not like I could see anything in that helmet, mind you, but still, I can't see anything!"

Wade the Battle Droid (with more applause, of course) scratched his robotic head. "But if you don't have a mouth, how do you sigh?"

"That's a question with a long and very involved answer, which you don't want to hear."

"So you don't know."  
"Yeah, pretty much."

Wade the Battle Droid (what, no applause? Come on, it's Wade the Battle Droid! Not just any battle droid, _Wade_ the Battle Droid) shook his head. "Ah, screw it. Will you at least tell me if we have the fuel or not?"  
"Oh, right. Fuel, check."

"Tire jack?"

"Check."  
"Starbucks coffee?"

"Check."

"DirecTV satellite?"

Anakin rolled his eyes. "Again with DirecTV. Why do we have that? It stinks. We only get picture about what? Two hours of the day?"  
"Hey, you try getting cable in the middle of space. So do we have it?"

"Um…yeah, we got it."  
"Good." Wade the Battle Droid (seriously, where is that applause?) marked it down. "Okay, toilet paper?"

"Yes, we've got it, thank God."  
"Alright. Anakin's lip gloss?"

Anakin giggled. "It's great for retaining moisture."  
Jango sighed his headless sigh. "Check."  
"Good." Wade the Battle Droid (clap, people, clap!) put away the clipboard. "Okay, that's all set."

"You checked it all off?"  
"Nope, but I beat myself in hangman. I can't believe it was 'decapitation.' I would have guess 'ostrich.' But the 'd' gave it all away."

"Right." Jango trotted up the ship's ramp. "Good thing we refurbished Darth Maul's ship. This baby rocks. I don't know why they never used it after Episode I, considering it was never destroyed."

The bounty hunter, not having any way to see, slammed into the ship's wall. Wade the Battle Droid (okay, I'll stop with the applause thing) bowed his head. "It's going to be a _long _trip."

_Will either group ever get to Tatooine? Can Wade the Battle Droid win over the crowd? And why is Mace still acting like just another idiot? Tune in next time to _Jedi Nites_ to find out!_


	9. Short and Sweet in Space

_Sadly, I have no disclaimer for this chapter. I apologize. Really, I do._

"All I need to know, Obi-Wan, is did we lose them?"

"I think we both know the answer to that, Adi."

Yoda shook his head. "Quote Halo, you should not, for a Star Wars story, this is."

Obi-Wan stared at him. "We were quoting Halo?"

They sat in the cockpit to the _Millennium Falcon_. Yoda, in his booster seat, piloted the craft, while Adi did the navigations and Obi-Wan gawked at all the pretty buttons. Stars streaked by them, the effects of hyperspace. Adi looked over her shoulder. "Hey, Mace is gone."

"Really, Adi, _who_ is this Mace guy you keep talking about?"

"Oh, just shut up."

At that moment Mace walked into the cockpit. "Hey, guys."

"Oh, hey, Mace." Adi turned back to the controls. "What took you so long?"

"I drank all of my 5000 lattes, and, well, it's very hard to go to the bathroom on a toilet made for Yoda."

Yoda chuckled. "Install that toilet, I did, for think that no one besides my girlfriend and I would fly, I did."

Mace looked at him. "Girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?"

"Yes, the love of my life, she is." He pointed at a picture taped to the wall. "Yaddle. Love her, I do."

"But she hates you."  
"Warm up to me yet, she has not, but time, relationships take."

"You've known each other for nine hundred years. Don't you think if she was ever going to love you she'd have done it by now?"

"Oh, eat pie, you should, Mace."

"Well, I do love pie."

Adi glanced over at Yoda. "So, Yoda, how did you convince Han to give you his ship?"  
"Ah, not easy, it was, but find a way, I did."

"So in other words you stole it, huh?"

"A strong word, 'stole' is." Yoda focused on the controls. "Prefer 'borrowed,' I do."

"Steal is a point of view, Anakin."

They all wheeled to face Obi-Wan. Adi furrowed her brow. "Obi-Wan, what the heck are you talking about?"

"I have no idea. It just came out."

Adi looked out the viewpoint. "Better strap yourselves in. We're coming up on Tatooine."

Mace and Obi-Wan took their seats behind the two pilots. Yoda pulled on a lever. "Out of lightspeed, we come."

They entered normal space. A yellow planet rested before them. Adi nodded towards the world. "Tatooine. The planet's all one big desert."

"Well, duh, that's why it's yellow." Obi-Wan shrugged. "At least, I _hope_ that's why it's yellow."

_The Jedi have finally made it to Tatooine. But will they get far? Will the Sith stop them? And why is it that this chapter is less than 500 words? Tune in next time to find out!_


	10. Don't Insult the Teddy

**It's my first time to write to reviewers! I think I might get tears in my eyes!**

**G-Anakin13: Thanks for consistently reviewing, and also, thanks for the encouragement.**

**Now, remember, if you want me to respond to your review, you have to review first!**

_Disclaimer: I don't own whoever makes teddy bears, but why would I want to?_

Obi-Wan collapsed on the hotel bed. "Ah, home sweet home. This is the life."

Adi came into the room after him. "Obi-Wan, get off of there, you're dirty. We're going to have to sleep on that, you know."

"Right. Sorry."

She stared at him. "You're still not moving."

"I think my muscles froze."

"Would the sound of your spine being broken make them move again?"

He leapt off the bed. "Hey, what do you know? They're working now."

"Yeah, I thought so." She glanced around the room. A TV, two twin-size beds, a couch and a large cabinet filled the room. She sat down on the one of the beds. "When do you think Mace and Yoda will be here with all our stuff?"

"I don't know. Soon, hopefully." Obi-Wan stared out the window. "Hey, they have a pool! Awesome!"

"Wait, how can they have a pool on a desert planet?"

"Oh, you think the pool has water in it."

"The pool doesn't have water in it? Than what's in it?"

"Um…you don't wanna know."

Just then a knock sounded at the door. It swung open, revealing Yoda and Mace beset with tons of luggage. Well, actually, Yoda was just using the Force to levitate the luggage into the room and Mace only had his teddy bear, but you get the picture.

Yoda set the luggage down next to the TV. "Ah, a burden, that was."

"What are you talking about?" Obi-Wan turned to the Jedi Master. "You just carried it up here using the Force."

Mace plopped on the bed. "And I'm exhausted from all that hard work."

"Oh, come on, you only had that stupid teddy bear."

Mace jumped to his feet. "Don't insult the teddy."

"Oh, I'm so scared. What are you going to do, beat me with it?"

"Actually, I was just going to insult you, but now that you mention it…"

Adi watched as Mace whacked Obi-Wan with the teddy bear. "So, Yoda, what should we do now?"

"Patience, I suggest. Come to us, the enemy will." He chuckled. "Besides, fun to watch Mace kick Obi-Wan's butt, it is."

"Got that right. I could watch this all day. In fact, I think I will."

_As the Jedi watch Obi-Wan being brutally beaten with a stuffed animal, we turn our attention to the other new guests at the hotel…_

Wade the Battle Droid entered the room. "Well, this is where we're going to be staying until we find The Cheese Dog. Come on in, you guys."

Jango and Anakin struggled through the doorway, carrying the bags. Anakin stopped and looked around. "Wow, this place is pretty nice."

Jango kept going. "I wish I could see what you guys are talking about." He walked straight past the one twin-sized bed and rammed into the wall.

Wade grimaced. "Ow. That had to hurt." He surveyed the space. "Let's see, we have a TV, a small fridge, a couch, and…" He stopped. "Oh no. We only have one bed and the couch, and that means, with the three of us…" He wheeled around to face Anakin. "Anakin, you have to take the couch."

"I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because, that couch is all rough, and I chafe real easy. I can't sleep there."

Wade gulped. "Perfect. Jango, we have a problem."

Jango stood. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking. What do you want, Wade?"

"Um…I think one of us is going to have to share the bed with Anakin."

Jango froze. "Oh no, please no. Why can't he sleep on the couch?"

"Because he doesn't want to sleep there, and we have to do what he wants or he won't work with us. So he can have what he wants."

"Yippee!" Anakin jumped for joy. "I get the bed!"

Wade and Jango stared at each other. "Couch!" they said in unison.

Wade shook his head. "That won't work. Let's, um, play rock-paper-scissors for it."

"Why can't you do it? You're a droid. You have nothing to worry about."

"What are you talking about? I've got to be good for the ladies."

"Wait. The droids have ladies?"

"Yeah. Droidekas. You know, Destroyer Droids."

"Those are girls?"

Wade nodded.

"Wow. That's surprising. Did you know one?"

"Know _one_? I'm not so limited, my dear friend. In fact, I was quite the ladies' man in my day."

"Really? What do you mean?"

"Well, let's just say I'm the reason they put shields on the droidekas."

"I really didn't need to know that."

"Hey, you asked." Wade sighed. "Fine, I'll take the bed. But you owe me one."

"Good. I hate to lose." Jango walked into the wall again.

Wade bowed his head. "This is going to be _very_ long trip."

_So, will the villains find The Cheese Dog? Will the heroes find the villains? And what will happen to Wade the Battle Droid? Not like you care. Anyway, tune in next time to find out._

_Oh, by the way, please review. _


	11. Return of the Cool

**The new chapter's up, with, oddly, no disclaimers. Ah well. G-Anakin13 remains the only person reviewing right now. **

**G-Anakin13: Thanks for you for reviewing again. It really encourages me. And if I'm encouraged, that means I keep writing the story. Hm. Maybe this is why nobody is reviewing...**

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…"

"Obi-Wan, wake up!"

Obi-Wan jerked back into consciousness. He found himself in the darkened hotel room. "What is it? Who's there?"

"It's me, Mace."

"Mace?" Obi-Wan sighed. "Listen, Mace, if you wet your bed again, I swear I'll—"

"No, it's not that. I can't sleep. Can I play the Xbox?"

"Fine, Mace. Just…be quiet."  
"Okay."

Obi-Wan yawned and got out of his bed. "And open a window, it's stuffy in here."

Mace pulled back the curtain. Sunlight flooded into the room. Obi-Wan dived under the bed. "The light, it burns us! It burns us!"

"Hey, Obi-Wan, it's not that bad."

Obi-Wan peeked out from his hiding place. "What time is it?"

"Um, about five o'clock."

"Wow, the sun rises that early here?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's five o'clock p.m."

"Man, I need to stop taking those sleeping pills." Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes. "Where are Yoda and Adi?"

"They left earlier to go look for the bad guys."

"Right." Obi-Wan headed over to the cabinet. He grabbed a pair of pants and pulled them on. "Okay, I'm going to go find them. You okay up here?"

Mace looked up from his Star Wars Battlefront II game. "Yeah, I'm good."

Just as he said that, the door swung open. Adi and Yoda entered. Adi raised her eyebrows. "So, you're finally up. I was afraid we were going to have to call a morgue."

"No, Adi, I don't need a massage."

"Morgues don't give massages, you idiot."

"They don't? Odd, that's why my mom said Uncle Phil went to the morgue…"

Adi rolled her eyes. "Yet another example of your hopelessness."

Mace looked up from his controller. "Hey, Yoda. I'm playing Star Wars Battlefront II. Do you think I should play Geonoesis?"

"Yes." Yoda grinned at Adi and Obi-Wan. "To play as himself, cheer the bald guy up, it will."

"Bald guy? You mean Mace, right?"  
"Oh, his name, Mace is? Wonder about his identity, I did."

Adi shook her head. "I'm surrounded by idiots. And yet, I can't seem to get away from them. Why, author, why?"

"Because, you're the only smart one. There has to be a smart person with all the stupid people, or else the jokes don't work."

They wheeled around. Standing there was a guy in a Darth Vader cape and helmet. Obi-Wan gasped. "George Lucas?"  
"No, it's me, the author." Mister Frodo took out a plastic lightsaber. "Dude, this thing rocks. I can whack people with it, and do awesome pointless sword moves. It's like a dream come true."

Adi furrowed her brow. "Wait. If you really are the author, why are you referring to yourself in third-person?"

"Because, I thought it would be nice to do something a little differently." Mister Frodo shrugged. "Anyway, I just stopped by to inform you guys that the bad guys are in a room in this same hotel."

"Why did you tell us this? Couldn't you have just made some weird thing happen that informed us of where they were?"  
"Yeah, but I couldn't think of a plot device to do this, so I just came to here myself. Alright, my job's over. Now to go listen to Star Wars music." He jogged out of the room. "It's the better than Green Day, and that's final!"

Yoda stared at Adi. "Happened to us, a lot of weird things have."

"I couldn't have said it better, Yoda, even though I didn't understand a word of what you said." Obi-Wan collapsed on the bed. "Okay, we now know the bad guys are in a room in this hotel. I say we wait in the lobby for them during breakfast, then, when they come to eat, we strike."

"That's actually a good plan, Obi-Wan. Wow." Adi leaned close to Yoda's ear. "I think something's wrong with him," she whispered.

Mace continued playing his video game. He stopped moving his fingers feverishly over the controller. "Do I want to play as Mace Windu? Of course I want to. Who doesn't want to play as themselves?"

"Windu?" Obi-Wan chuckled. "Man, that's a dumb last name."

Adi coughed. "Ahem. Kenobi."

"Ahem. Gallia."

She sighed. "Fine, you win this round. But I'm still leading this insult game by about one million to three."

"Yeah, well, I get an A for Effort, don't I?"

Yoda tapped Adi on the shoulder. "Wrong with Mace, something is. Look at him, you should."

She followed Yoda's gaze to see Mace staring transfixed at the big-screen TV. "Um, Mace? Are you all right?"

Mace just kept gazing at his Star Wars Battlefront II game. "I can't believe it. I…I…I rock. I truly rock. My lightsaber duel may be boring, but I…I…I'm _awesome_."

Obi-Wan shrugged. "Ah well. Better change his pants before he gets too excited."

"There's no need, Obi-Wan." Mace stood, a fire glinting in his eye. "I am now Mace Windu. I fear no evil, protect all good, and don't wear pull-ups."

Obi-Wan let out a sigh of relief. "That's refreshing. I was so tired of having to change that thing out."

Adi watched as Mace put on a Jedi cloak. "Um, Mace? Are you okay?"

"I'm better than okay, Adi. My streak of being a crybaby, a wimp, a coward, and an idiot are over. In fact, all of my stupidity is over." He grinned. "This party's over."

Yoda nodded. "See the logic in this, I did. Play as himself in Star Wars Battlefront II, Mace would, and turn back into way-too-macho-cool guy, he would."

"Sweet." Obi-Wan turned to the now cloaked Mace. "So, what are you going to do now that you're cool, Mace?"

"I'm going to do what must be done." He crossed to the door. After opening it (because, sadly, he can't walk through walls), he entered the hall.

Adi ran to the doorway. "Wait! What are you doing!"

He glanced back over his shoulder. "Ma'am. Finishing this fight."

_Will Mace destroy the bad guys? Can the Jedi find The Cheese Dog before force of evil do? And what of Shaak Ti? Will she ever be rescued? Find out in the continuing incredible story of _Jedi Nites


	12. Mace vs Jango: Finally, Another Duel!

**Hi, everybody! I actually got more than one review this week! Hurray for hippos! Anyhow, let's get on to the responses...**

**G-Anakin13: Yeah, thanks for continually reviewing. I'm trying to keep Adi smart; she's definitely smarter than all the male Jedi...though that's not really saying much.**

**Haraneo B.P. Wicked: Don't worry, I'm not mad at you for not reviewing. It rocks that you did review. That's what counts. Yes, I'm sad Mace had to go back to being his usual self. Or did he?**

**miss-AZ: I love when I get reviews about people who say they laugh a lot. Thanks a bundle. And yes, I try to update as soon asI can.**

**Okay, now on with the story...**

_Disclaimer: I do not own a pack of caffeine-addicted chickens. At least, I don't think I do…_

Chancellor Palpatine leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Man, it's tough being the greatest evil villain in the history of movies."

"What?" Shaak Ti stared at him. "You're not the greatest villain in the history of movies. Darth Vader is."

"But George Lucas says I am."

"Well, George Lucas doesn't realize that nobody really cares about the Emperor. Everybody cares about Darth Vader." She rolled her eyes. "Please, you act like this is new to you. Darth Vader is the greatest sci-fi villain ever, not you."

Palpatine shook his head. "I don't believe that. And you're starting to sound like a Separatist."

"What?"

"Sorry. It just popped out."

Shaak Ti slumped against the wall. "This stinks. I'm stuck here, with my only hope a bunch of Jedi idiots who only care about soap operas and lattes. I'm done for."

"Well you certainly are the optimistic one." Palpatine shrugged. "But I have wanted to ask you. We've been here for about, oh, six chapters, and I don't seem to know you very well. I want to ask you the deep, dark questions everybody's afraid to answer."

She closed her eyes. "Oh, this is going to be rich."

"What is your favorite color?"

She opened her eyes and gazed at the ceiling. "Please, just kill me now."

"What is your least favorite day of the week?"

"How about today?"

"Oh, come on, that was your answer yesterday. Anyway, one last question. What Jedi do you have a crush on?"

She sighed. "Definitely not Mace or Anakin."

"Aha! It's Yoda, isn't it!"

"How did you know?"

"What? It's really Yoda? I was just guessing."

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm in love in Yoda."

"But doesn't that other girl who's the same species, Yaddle, like him?"

"She dies before Episode II, you idiot."

"Do you think that stops the author?"

"Yeah, well, she's all brains and no brawn. I could take her down easy."

"Catfight!" Obi-Wan popped up with a bucket of popcorn. "I just can't believe this one doesn't involve Anakin."

"What—Obi-Wan!" Palpatine stood. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I heard that Shaak Ti was going to face Yaddle, and, I thought, what the heck, might as well get a good seat now."

Shaak Ti bowed her head. "I mean it. Kill me now."

_In the hotel on Tatooine…_

Wade the Battle Droid sighed. "Well, this stinks. Are you sure you didn't put the card in your pockets, Jango?"

"I don't have any pockets in this armor."

"Oh. Right."

Jango groaned. "I can't believe we're locked out of the room like this! What about Anakin?"

"He went to go get his hair done. Sorry, Jango."

"Sorry won't cut it, droid guy."

Wade poked Jango on the chest. "That's Mr. Droid Guy to you, bub."

"'Bub'? Where the heck did that come from?"

"Fear not, noble citizens, for I have come to end your injustice!"

"What?"

They both wheeled around. Mace swung in on a vine. "This party's over, evildoers!" He jumped to attack them, but fell flat on his face.

Wade stared at the Jedi. "I thought you were supposed to be cool now."

"Well, yes, but somebody must give the readers their laughs." Mace leapt to his feet. "You're going down."

Jango whipped out his twin blasters. "Windu. It's been too long."

"Jango?" Mace smiled. "Good to see you, man. You're right, it's been _way _too long. You're not still sore about that whole chopping off your head thing, are you?"

"No, Mace, not at all. Now excuse me as I kill you."

Jango fired. Sadly, not having his head, he hit Wade. Of course, he might have been actually aiming at Wade; it's kind of hard to tell at point-blank range.

Wade collapsed on the floor. Jango flipped his pistols around. "Oh yeah! Mace, you're dead."

Mace shook his head. "No, dude, your droid's dead."

"Oh. Well, that's okay." Jango shrugged. "I always hated him anyway. But, now, it's time for you to die, Mace."

Mace drew his lightsaber and did some unnecessary moves just to impress the audience. Jango fired his blasters again. Mace blocked the shots, sending the lasers into the wall.

Wade got to his feet. "I think I'm gonna be okay…" Jango shot him again and he collapsed on the floor again. "Oh, nope, I'm gone."

Mace continued to block Jango's fire. They repeated the endless cycle for about twenty or so hours before Mace finally got tired of it and chopped Jango's hands off. Jango sighed. "Ah, man. Back to the auto shop for me."

"That was unsurprisingly easy." Mace watched as Jango ran away. "Well, now I just have to wait for Anakin. I guess the story's going to be over way before we thought."

"No it's not!"

Mace looked around. "What? Who's there?"

"It's me, Wade the—"

Mace stepped on Wade's head, silencing the droid. He shrugged. "Odd, I thought I heard a voice. Must just have been my imagination. Ah well."

Adi hurried up the hall to him. "Mace, I—" She noticed the broken battle droid on the ground and the blaster marks on the walls. "What happened?"

"It was just Samuel L. Jackson doing what he does best."

"Being in dumb movies?"

"Nope. Kicking some serious—"

Anakin walked up to them with braids in his hair. He stopped. "Hey, Mace! Adi! What are you two doing here?"

Mace raised his eyebrows. "Being fairly disturbed, if you must ask."

Adi shook her head. "This is stupid. Anakin, we need you to come with us. So, get a move on, pretty boy."

"You don't want me." Anakin glared at them. "What you really want is The Cheese Dog. You don't care about me at all!"

"What? Anakin, we don't care about some stupid cheese dog! We just want you to come with us so the story can end!"

"No! You're unfair! You're always critical! You never listen!" Anakin burst into tears and dashed away.

Mace sighed. "Way to go, Adi."

"I didn't see you offering any help, Mace. Oh, now I remember, you were too busy being 'fairly disturbed.'"

"What, it's my fault the author can't think of any good jokes?"

Mister Frodo popped up. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, go bury yourself, idiot."

"I can kill you, Mace."

"Yeah, what are you going to do? Send a pack of rancid chickens after me?"

At that moment, as if some mysterious author had summoned them, a group of caffeine-addicted chickens stampeded through the hotel hall in search of a Starbucks, scooping up Mace as they went. The Jedi Master screamed as the coffee-loving poultry carried him away.

Adi shrugged. "Wow. Talk about coincidences."

"There are no coincidences. There are only coinkydinks." Mister Frodo gazed up at the sky. "Beam me up, Scotty!"

"Why is it always, 'beam this, Scotty', or, 'beam that, Scotty'? I'm sick of it, I tell you! Sick of it!"

"Oh, just shut up and start beaming, Scotty."

Adi watched as the author disappeared in a flash of light. She shrugged. "Ah well. I hope Yoda and Obi-Wan didn't trash the hotel room while I was gone. Of course, with how this day's going, I wouldn't be surprised if they did."

_Back on Coruscant…_

"Die!"

"Die!"

"Die!"

"Die!"

"Die!"

"Die!"

Obi-Wan sighed and turned away from the TV screen. "Is this really all they do on Naruto?"

Palpatine shook his head. "No, most of it's spent moving the plot along at about the pace of a slug. A slug with a peg leg."

"'I see so,' the blind man said as he picked up his hammer and saw." Obi-Wan chuckled at his own joke."

"That's not funny."

"Oh, come on, it's a little funny."

"Fine, I've got one." Palpatine cleared his throat. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the other side?"

"No, so we could make some really bad jokes!"

Obi-Wan stared at him. "Okay, dude, I think you can scratch comedian off your list of career choices."

"Dang it! That only leaves chiropractor and mime!"

Shaak Ti bowed her head. "I'm never going to get out of here."

Obi-Wan stood. "That reminds me, I have to go back to Tatooine. See you guys later. And Shaak Ti?" He winked at her. "Keep being beautiful."

"Must resist urge to break neck…"

_What will happen on Tatooine? Will the Jedi find The Cheese Dog? Can Shaak TI ever escape? And why is the author making so many cameos? Find out in the continuing adventure of _Jedi Nites


	13. Wade Returns

**Yay, more reviews! The reviewers worked up a storm on the past chapter. My heartfelt thanks to all those who spared those five minutes of their lives to review...Five minutes they'll never get back...Never...**

**Haraneo B.P. Wicked: Yeah, it was a longer chapter than usual. Thisone's back to normal, though. That stinks, but hey, you win some, you lose some. And yes, Mace is smarter than he was, but that's not really saying much.**

**AceGray: The newest reviewer. Thanks for all the reviews. They rock.**

**miss-AZ: Thanks for the compliments. I always try to update quickly.**

**G-Anakin13: You officially have the most reviews of this story! Congratulations! And yes, all the guys in this story our idiots. Except for Wade the Battle Droid, of course. He ROCKS!**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Nutri-Grain bars. In fact, I don't own pretty much anything. Not even my dignity. Yep, I sold that on eBay for ten bucks. Wow, that would make a great country song!_

Obi-Wan groaned. "I feel woozy."

"Expected, that is, Obi-Wan." Yoda patted the Jedi's forehead with a cool cloth. "Make one very woozy, drinking a hundred lattes will."

"Ow, my head…Do you think I should have stopped at the ninety-ninth one?"

Yoda sighed. "Jedi these days…Sicken me, they do."

Adi and Mace burst into the room. Mace surveyed the hotel room, now filled with empty Starbucks cups and half-eaten Nutri-Grain bars. "What in the heck happened here?"

Obi-Wan struggled to a sitting position on the couch. "Well, I came back from Palpatine's office really depressed, so I sat and watched lots of soap operas, and there's an all-you-can-drink Starbucks in this hotel…"

"Yeah, I get it." Mace furrowed his brow. "But what's with the Nutri-Grain bars?"

"I have no idea, actually."

Adi stared at Obi-Wan as the male Jedi tried to get to his feet. "Wait. You said you went to Palpatine's office? How did you get there?"

"Oh, it's all very simple." Obi-Wan leaned against the wall to support himself.

"Then how did you get there?"

"I have no clue."

"That's great. Did you see Shaak Ti?"

"Oh, yeah. We talked." He turned to Yoda. "She's in love with you, by the way."

Yoda danced for joy. "Yes! Happy, I am!"

"Duh, you're dancing for joy."

"Well, dialogue, I needed. Now marry her I will, and make Yaddle jealous, I will!"

"Yoda, don't you think she's a little young for you?"

"Nonsense! Little difference, nine hundred years make."

Mace motioned towards the doorway. "If you're done with your pointless chat, I suggest we go and look for Anakin. He ran away after I defeated Jango and his battle droid sidekick. Alone."

"Hey, don't look at me." Adi rolled her eyes. "I wasn't the one who ran out all macho-like and just _had_ to defeat the bad guys."

"Right, but, regardless, I believe that I—"

Wade the Battle Droid walked into the room. Everybody stared at him. He looked back at them. "What? Do I have something stuck in my gears again?"

Obi-Wan turned to face Mace. "Who the heck is he?"

"Yeah, who the heck is he, Mace?"

"Is he, who the heck, Mace?"

"What?"

"Sorry. Speak backwards backwardly, I did."

Wade shook his head. "As usual. No one appreciates me. I am, drum roll please...Wade the Battle Droid!"

They all continued staring at him. "Who?"

"You know, Wade the Battle Droid? I was in The Phantom Menace, remember? I just had one line, 'Roger, roger,' but I knew that the part would be the starting point to a grand career! I didn't sign on for the two sequels, though. I didn't want to be typecast."

"How can you typecast a droid?"

Yoda furrowed his brow. "If in the sequels you were not, than how come a squeaky voice, you have?"

"Freak helium accident. It happened when all us battle droids were at a special social event. Our guest speaker was R2-D2! Man, does that droid know how to talk or what?"

Mace lit his lightsaber. "We will not be hostages to be bartered with, droid guy!"

"That's Mr. Droid Guy to you, bub!"

"Will you two just SHUT UP!" They stopped talking. Adi took a deep breath, and then exhaled. "Okay, why are you here, Wade?"

"Because I needed some more screen time. The author really thinks I'm cool."

"Well I don't." Mace chopped him down.

Adi glared at him. "You idiot, he could have helped us."

"No, he was going to destroy us."

"He's a battle droid, for Pete's sake, you can cut through them like butter! There's no way he could put up a fight!"

"He's no ordinary battle droid. He's Wayne the Battle Droid!"

"His name's Wade."

"Oh, come on, I think I would remember his name, seeing as how I'm the one who killed him."

Obi-Wan left the room. "Okay, while you guys are arguing, I'm going to get some more lattes from Starbucks. Bye."

Yoda waddled to the door. "Yes, and leave to see if have a soap opera channel this place does, I do. Farewell."

Mace and Adi found themselves left in the room with nothing but trash and Wade's remains. Adi closed her eyes. "This stinks. Palpatine will have taken over all of Coruscant by the time we're done here."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me. I promised Shaak Ti I'd rescue her. Gotta go." Mace pulled a ski mask over his head. "I have a Chancellor's office to break into."

He leapt out the window. Adi ran over to the window just in time to hear the sound of a large crash and cracking bones. Mace glanced up. "I'm okay!"

Adi sighed. "And just when he was starting to get cool again…"

_Can Adi round up the Jedi? Will they be able to find Anakin? And what Mace? Will he be able to break into Palpatine's office? All these answers are here, next time on _Jedi Nites


	14. Good Bye Tatooine, Hello Coruscant

**Yet another chapter in the continuing saga. Here, as usual, are the reviewer responses...**

**miss-AZ: Yeah, Yaddle is now officially peeved at Yoda. I think, she hasn't exactly come into the story...Side note: I hate coffee.**

**Haraneo B.P. Wicked: Poor Wade the Battle Droid indeed. I liked him so much I killed him off twice. Yes, I have an odd way of showing affection. Maybe that's why nobody ever dates me... : **

**G-Anakin13: Great review**

**And on to chapter 14!**

_Disclaimer: I don't own any stuffed Ewoks. I wish I did, though. They are AWESOME._

Yoda nestled down in his favorite chair by his big-screen TV. His stuffed Ewok rested beside him. Yoda nodded at the toy. "A good show this is, Mr. Fluffy. Agree, do you not?"

Apparently he got the answer from the inanimate object that he wanted because he smiled and leaned back in his seat. "Ah. Like watching soap operas and drinking lattes, nothing is."

Just then the door swung open. Yoda turned to see Obi-Wan and Adi standing there. "Yoda, what are you doing?" Adi hurried into the room and started throwing her clothes into her suitcase. "We have to leave right now."

Yoda waved his hand in the air. All of his stuff floated into his pack, which then zipped itself up. "Done, I am."  
Obi-Wan glared at him. "Lucky."

Adi finished stuffing her belongings away. She closed her suitcase. "Okay, come on, you two. Obi-Wan, are you done packing yet?"

"All I have is my teddy bear." He held up the stuffed animal. "I think I can carry it without having to take a suitcase."

Yoda furrowed his brow. "But Mace's teddy bear, that is."

"Hey, finders keepers, losers sweepers."

"Yeah, but I just happened to find all of these Jedi tunics with the name 'Obi-Wan Kenobi' on them. Ah well, you know what they say: 'finders keepers, losers weepers.'"

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes. "That's not funny."

"Just pack already."

Yoda stood. "Where Mace is, know, do you?"

"He ran off to Coruscant." Adi locked up her carry-on and turned to Obi-Wan. "Come on, Obi-Wan, finish packing already."

Obi-Wan held up his hand. "Never rush an artist." He stared at his clothes in front of him and the open suitcase to the left. "The Fruit of the Loom underwear must be folded to perfection. If not, the world will implode!"

Adi sighed. "I just had to have to go with the idiot, didn't I?"

Yoda scooped up Mr. Fluffy in one arm and his tiny backpack in the other. "Find The Cheese Dog, you did?"  
"No, but I've learned that The Cheese Dog was never here. Palpatine just lured us here to set a trap."

"Really? But if a trap there is, know its location, you do not?"

"Well duh I know where the trap is. It's back at our ship."

"Then leave the ship, we must!"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes. Obviously they have cooked up some diabolical and evil plan to destroy us forever!"

_At that very moment, at Yoda's ship…_

Wade the Battle Droid sighed. "Sorry, guys, I guess they're not coming. We planned this whole birthday bash for nothing."

Anakin shrugged. "Well, that's okay. I hate them anyway. We can just give this surprise party to some random passerby."

"Yay! Everybody loves random passerby!"

_Back at the hotel…_

"For once, Obi-Wan might actually be right." Adi held up three tickets. "So I got us tickets on this luxury ship to Coruscant. Come on, let's go."

_As the three of them leave the planet, a Jedi Knight is in the process of infiltrating Chancellor Palpatine's office. Can he succeed? Or will he fail? Or will he just run away, screaming for his mommy? Let's find out…_

Mace piloted his speeder next to the chancellor's private building. "Okay. Now I just have to sneak through level after level of military-grade walls and ceilings, top security personnel, and Barney videos playing on a continuous loop…" He donned his ski mask. "If Tom Cruise can do it, so can I!"

He took out his lightsaber and cut a hole in the wall. A thousand security alarms sounded. He sighed. "Ah man. They make it look so easy in the movies."

Tons of security droids came. Mace fought them with one hand, chopping through them like butter. He yawned. "I wish this was more exciting."

He ran into the building. An elevator lay at the end of the room. He hurried to it and pressed the up button. "Come on, come on…"  
The elevator reached his floor. But just as he entered the lift, he realized that the elevator had a dozen video screens showing Barney reruns. Mace ran from the torture just as the first lines of "I love you, you love me" reached his ears. "The fiends! Does Palpatine's evil know no bounds!"

After jogging up a lot of stairs, he finally reached Palpatine's office. He burst into the room. The chancellor looked up from his desk. "Master Windu. I must say, this is very sudden."

Mace raised his lightsaber. "The ploy's up, chancellor. I'm taking Shaak Ti, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Palpatine gritted his teeth. "Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?"

"No, dude, if I was threatening you, I'd be like, 'You're under arrest, milord,' or something like that. I'm just telling you I plan to take Shaak Ti."

"Oh. Okay. You can have her."

Mace lowered his weapon. "Really?"  
"No!" Palpatine shot lightning from his hands. It struck Mace and knocked the Jedi Master unconscious. The chancellor smiled. "Once more the Sith will rule the galaxy!"

_Oh no! What will happen to Mace? Will the Jedi reach him in time? Or will Palpatine take over the galaxy? Find out next time in the startling next chapter to _Jedi Nites


	15. Another Villain Down the Drain

**Hi, everybody. Sorry it took so long to get this chapter updated, my dad had surgery last week and things have been kind of hectic...Anyways, here's the reviewer responses.**

**miss-AZ: You know, I thought Starbucks hot chocolate had a weird taste to it, almost like a coffee-flavor or something...but hey, that's probably just me.**

**sunset.rising: I like that you love the story, but do you have a profile at Not that I'm trying to be nosy or anything, but I've started reading stories written by my reviewers and I was wondering if you've anything...Anyway, thanks for the review.**

**AceGray: Sorry, you can't be a random passerby, only Jonnie gets that right. (Just who is Jonnie? I don't really know. Ask Jonnie, he'll know.) And I never said Mace was cooler than Tom Cruise. Mace is way cooler, maybe because he doesn't have to change girlfriends every movie.**

**G-Anakin13: Another review from the streadiest reviewer. Thanks for your continued support. Sorry if I don't write a lot in response to you, but, in all fairness, your reviews our pretty short. **

**The madness continues! Let us return to the lives of our favorite heroes: The Jedi Knights!**

Obi-Wan blew out a sigh of relief. "Man. That was a _long _trip. I'm glad it's finally over."

"Yeah, but I think we would have saved some time if Yoda hadn't gotten himself arrested." She rolled her eyes. "I thought I warned you about bopping little kids on the head with your walking stick."

"But want Mr. Fluffy, the boy did." Yoda hugged his stuffed Ewok. "Let the boy have him, I could not! That his parents sued, my fault, it is not."

"You broke his spine."

"See your point, I do not."

Obi-Wan entered the Council chamber. "Aw, dang it. This thing is still as broken as it was before. What happened to all the council anyway?"

"Well, Shaak Ti got kidnapped, Ki-Adi-Mundi got killed by those Ewoks, Anakin turned evil, and the rest of us left. No one's been in here since we last left."

"Wrong."

They wheeled around to face—the wall.

"Other way, you idiots."

They turned back around. Darth Maul stood in the middle of the room. Obi-Wan gasped. "Darth Maul! But you died!"

"Well, duh, all the villains in this are guys who already died. You think that limits the author?"

Yoda drew his lightsaber. "Defeat us, you will not!"

"I wouldn't attack if I were you, Yoda." Maul held up Mr. Fluffy. "Or else your slightly disturbing stuffed Ewok my have to go the route of a slow and painful death!"

Obi-Wan furrowed his brow. "But Yoda had that thing like two seconds ago. How'd you get it?"

"Plot device, my old friend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kill you all."

He ignited his awesome double-bladed lightsaber. Obi-Wan and Adi lit their weapons. Yoda simply waved his hand and Maul slammed into the wall, dropping his lightsaber and Mr. Fluffy.

Obi-Wan ran up and chopped Darth Maul in half. The Sith sighed. "Yet again, I become half the man I was."

"Have a nice trip, old buddy." Obi-Wan shoved Maul out the still-broken window. "See you next fall!" He dusted his hands. "Well, that's that. So are we going to Palpatine's office to get the chancellor?"

"Yes." Adi put her lightsaber away. "And this time, he won't get away."

"What? When did he get away from us?"

"I was just adding to the drama, you idiot."

"Oh. Right."

_Back at Palpatine's office…_

Mace awoke to find himself still in Palpatine's office. The chancellor had chained him against the wall. Mace struggled against his binds.

Palpatine looked over at him. "You will never get out of there, Mace. I've won this battle. Now I'll win the war."

"What war?"

"Good question. But sadly, I don't have the time to answer it."

"So in other words, you don't know."

"You just have to state the obvious, don't you?" Palpatine turned back to the TV. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch Spanish soap operas."

Mace bowed his head. "Then it's over. I guess I just didn't have what it takes."

Shaak Ti nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Mace looked over at her. "Shaak Ti? You're still alive?"

"Yeah. I was waiting for someone to rescue me. But I guess I got my hopes up too much."

"Oh, come on! I tried my best. Don't I at least get an A for Effort?"

"No. You get nothing. Like me." She sighed. "Well, now I'll never get to tell Yoda that I love him. I'm going to die here, like all the others."

"What others?"

"I was trying to add to the drama, imbecile. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm trying to starve myself to death. I really need to concentrate."

Mace clenched his fist. "No. This isn't the end for us, Shaak Ti. I won't let this be the end!"

He reached out with his hand. A hot dog flew into his outstretched fingers. "Yes! I've been looking for this thing everywhere!"

He scarfed the wiener. "Oh, those taste so good. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah." He reached out with his hand again. This time, his lightsaber flew across the room and landed in his palm. "Oh yeah. Now it's party time."

He activated the weapon and cut himself free. After chopping off Shaak Ti's binds, he leapt towards Palpatine. The Sith Lord drew his own weapon. "You can't win, Mace!"

"I know! That's why I'm fighting you!"

"What?"

While Palpatine pondered Mace's words, the Jedi Knight slashed through the chancellor's TV. Palpatine gasped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You fiend!"

"No, you are the fiend!" Mace drew himself into a fighting stance. "Time to die!"

The two engaged in a very, very boring duel. Basically, Mace just sidestepped all of Palpatine's moves. Finally the Jedi Master got bored and jumped to the window sill of the giant glass viewpoint. Palpatine followed.

Mace broke the window. The chancellor shook his finger at the Jedi. "Oh, you're going to have to pay for that, mister."

"Not after I annihilate you!"

The two fought for a few more minutes. Mace spun his lightsaber around and disarmed Palpatine. The Sith Lord fell back and crawled to the edge of the window.

Mace put his purple blade at Palpatine's neck. "You are under arrest, milord. The oppression of the Sith will never return. You have lost."

"No. No, it's you will lose!" Palpatine furrowed his brow. "Wow, this seems awfully familiar."

"Yeah, almost like we're copying it from something or other."

"Ah well. Back to the story." The chancellor shot lots of lightning at Mace. The Jedi Knight blocked it back at the Sith Lord. Palpatine's face became all ugly and deformed. "No! All my plastic surgery!"

Shaak Ti closed her eyes. "Man, this is gross."

"I'm too weak. Help me, Tom Cruise. Help me!" Palpatine's lightning subsided. "I'm too weak. Too weak…"

Mace gripped his lightsaber tighter. "Now I'm going to end this!"

"No."

He looked up. Anakin stood in the room, lightsaber in hand. Mace stared at the Jedi. "Anakin? How did you get here?"

"Plot device. You can't kill him. I need him!"

"He's too dangerous to let live, Anakin! I must kill him!"

"But he's the only one that knows the location of The Cheese Dog! If you destroy him, its location will be lost forever! I need him!"

"I must destroy the Sith!"

They waited for a while. Shaak Ti raised her eyebrows. "Well? Are you going to kill him or not?"

"Quiet. I have to give Anakin all the time in the world so he can chop my hand off." Mace took a deep breath and popped his knuckles. "Okay, I'm good." He raised his weapon above his head. "I'm going to kill him now! I'm going to end this!"

Anakin lit his lightsaber. "NO!"

_Oh no! What will happen? Will Mace destroy Palpatine? Will Anakin kill Mace? And what about the other Jedi? Can they reach the office in time? Find out next time in the final climatic chapter to _Jedi Nites


	16. The Corniest Ending Ever?

**Here we are! The End! The climax! Why am I using so many exclamation points! On to the reviewer responses!**

**Darth Sekhmet: I wrote it in the Third Age of Middle-Earth...or in 2006. I never can remember.**

**Haraneo B.P. Wicked: It's okay if you miss a review, I don't mind. Well, to give a few spoilers, Mr. Fluffy isn't in this chapter, Mace doesn't die, and Anakin doesn't fall to the Dark Side. Hey, two out of three ain't bad...**

**Princess of Ithilien: Yay! Another pianist! Thanks for all the reviews. And yes, I do butcher the movies. But I still love them. Seriously. I am obsessed with Star Wars. I even like Episode II! Now you know I'm messed up.**

**thepenguinsquad: Yes, I had to make some joke about how Palpatine's face gets all creepy-like...Anyway, thanks for the review.**

**Nelarun: Actually, I used the "other way idiots" joke in one of my other stories where no one seemed to mention it. And my dad is feeling a lot better. **

**miss-AZ: At risk of a spoiler, you're going to have to kick my behind. 'sigh' I never would have signed on for this job if I knew it was going to hurt this much.**

**G-Anakin13: Okay, maybe I did dumb Adi down a little bit...but she's still about a million times smarter than the rest of the characters. **

**TOO MANY REVIEWS! I need a break. So, enjoy the final chapter...and remember, I am not liable for any injury incured by corny endings. **

_Disclaimer: The following chapter involves a Cream Vanilla Mocha Latte, Jar Jar Binks, and lots and lots of exclamation points. You have been warned._

"NO!"

Anakin sliced off Mace's hand with his lightsaber. Mace stared at him. "Hey! I only have two of those!"

Palpatine held up his hands. "UNLIMITED POWER!" He shot bolts of lightning from his fingers. Mace sidestepped and the bolts hit Anakin.

"AW IT BURNS!" Anakin leapt out the window.

Mace watched as Anakin fell to the levels below. He cringed. "Ow. That has to hurt."

Palpatine shrugged. "Ah well. He was just going to kill me in Episode VI."

"No, he kills you in Episode 6."

"That's what I said."

"But you used Roman numerals." Mace furrowed his brow. "I've always wondered; why does the author use Roman numerals? It just confuses people. Why doesn't he just use the numbers!"

"Good question, but, sadly, we don't have time for an answer." Palpatine jumped up. "I am Darth Sidious, and I shall destroy you all!"

"Not so fast!"

They wheeled around. Obi-Wan, Adi, and Yoda burst into the room. Obi-Wan pointed at Palpatine. "Give it up, Palpatine! We're here to save Shaak Ti and rescue Anakin from your clutches!"

"Anakin's dead."

"Oh." Obi-Wan turned back to the door. "Well, my job here is done."

Adi grabbed him. "No it's not. We have to conclude with an unfunny final chapter because the author has so many unfinished stories. We have to defeat Palpatine now!"

"I'm not Chancellor Palpatine, I'm Darth Sidious!"

"We already know that!" all the Jedi yelled in unison.

Yoda drew his lightsaber. "Kill him, I will, for awesome, I am."

"Sorry, Yoda, but that can't happen quite yet." Adi nodded at Shaak Ti. "Give her to us, Palpatine!"

Shaak Ti looked at them. "Um, I'm not bound to the wall in any way, shape, or form."

"Oh. Right." Adi lit her weapon. "Okay, now it's time for some awesome lightsaber moves!"

"NOT YET!"

They wheeled around yet again. General Grievous ran into the room. He chuckled. "You Jedi fools! I have completed my mission for Darth Sidious!"

They all stared at him. Obi-Wan cocked an eyebrow. "What secret mission again?"

"Oh, come on! Don't you guys remember? It was in chapter 6! I got assigned to the secret mission that would allow the Sith to rule the galaxy! Don't you guys remember what happened in that chapter!"

"Dude, nobody has an attention span that long."

Palpatine sneered. "Enough talk! You really completed the mission?"

"Yes, Lord Sidious. I—" He started coughing and wheezing. The others watched him cough for a long time. He stopped and took a deep breath. "Sorry, the author had to get in one joke about my coughing before the story ended. Where was I? Oh yes. I have completed your mission, Lord Sidious! I can now present with the item you so desire!" He held out a Starbucks cup. "A cream vanilla mocha latte!"

"Yes!" Palpatine took the drink. He sniffed its aroma and smiled. "UNLIMITED POWER!"

"We already did that, dude."

"Oh, right. Sorry." Palpatine sighed. "We really don't have an ending for this, do we?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, you're right. What are we going to do?"

Mace dropped his lightsaber. "Well, there's only one way to end this. Bring in the dancing Ewoks!"

Ewoks poured through the door and broke through the ceiling panels. The cute little Endor natives filled the room and then all burst into song. Adi turned to Palpatine. "Truce?"

The chancellor nodded. "Truce."

The main characters all put their arms around each other and headed to the window. With shouts of "Yub-yub!" filling their ears, they stood sipping lattes and watching fireworks go off.

Obi-Wan put his hand to his chin. "This is almost perfect. But I just feel like something's missing…"

The Ewoks hurled Jar Jar out the window. The Gungan screamed as he plummeted to certain doom. Obi-Wan grinned. "Okay. Now everything's perfect."

And the friends smiled, all happy and sugar high.

Congratulations. You've just read the corniest ending to a story EVER.

But enough of that. On to the credits…

**Written and directed by me**

**Based on characters created by George Lucas**

**Starring all the characters as themselves**

**And OPO-236234873077 as Wade the Battle Droid**

**All proceeds go to the Foundation to Make Republic Commando 2**

**Special Thanks to **

**God (for making me)**

**My family (because they rock)**

**My sister (for reading this story, laughing at the jokes, and coming up with the ending)**

**My cousins (for always playing with me)**

**Mrs. Ronie Kendig (for teaching me how to write)**

**George Lucas (for creating Star Wars)**

**John Williams (for composing Star Wars music)**

**And Brian Singer (for directing the first two X-Men movies and Superman Returns, which, by the way, is AWESOME)**

**Now I'd like to thank my reviewers:**

**Duo Jagan: Only reviewed the first three chapters, but was my first reviewer and helped jumpstart the reviews. (Or maybe he didn't, I don't know.) Also has a great sense of humor.**

**miss-AZ: One of my top reviewers. A coffee hater, like me. (Be afraid, Starbucks employees. Be very afraid.)**

**Haraneo B.P. Wicked: Another one of the top reviewers. Wrote long reviews with a style unlike any other...Okay, maybe not, but I'm running out of things to write.**

**G-Anakin13: The most consistent reviewer. Usually wrote pretty short reviews, but they kept me going, even in the dark times. (Which were never.)**

**sunset.rising/Hilary: I think these two are the same person since they signed their reviews with the same name. Reviewed anonymously the first few reviews but then of course used her (at least I'm hoping it's a her) profile for the last review...the same review that I asked her if she had an actual profile... 'smacks forehead with hand'**

**AceGray: Jumped on the bandwagon a little later than the others but had quality reviews. In fact, I thought all of my reviewers did a good job at not being overly inappropriate or spelling like two-year-olds. Thank you.**

**Nelarun: Another late reviewer. Only reviewer to reply about my dad, for which I thank him greatly.**

**thepenguinsquad: Had one review. Seemed enamored with the "plastic surgery" joke...something I really love.**

**Princess of Ithilien: Though a late reviewer as well, did a lot of reviews...Also a fellow pianist. (Which rocks.)**

**Darth Sekhmet: Our final reviewer. Put in reviews for the last two chapters. Sorry Aayla Secura didn't appear in the story.**

**And also I'd like to thank you, the reader, for reading. Or at least staring at the computer screen in a dazed state while I rack up the hits. **

**Will there be a sequel? Will it be as good as the original? Will you read it? Find out later, on the continuing adventures of Mister Frodo!**

**_End_**


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